breathe in, laugh out

I woke up this morning at 5am, on the couch with an empty bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos on the floor next to me, the TV still blaring, and all of the lights on.  It’s Tuesday.  It took me a couple of minutes to figure out where I was and what I did last night.

What did I do last night?  Ironically enough, I went on the most tame and sober first date I’ve ever been on.  Then I watched the Bachelor and fell asleep in the middle.

I just started talking to this guy yesterday morning.  All I knew was that his name was Toby, he surfed on really big waves, and he’ll be going to Darfur in August with an NGO to work with people with war trauma.

After a short conversation via text, he asked me to go for a “stroll on the boardwalk.”  I declined, due to the fact that Sunday night was NOT the most tame and sober night of my life, and I was looking forward to sweatpants and a nap after work.  Not “strolling” around the boardwalk.  He then came back at me with an invite to the drive-in movie theater instead, claiming he’d have blankets and pillows, and would be going with his friend and a date.  I’m not sure why, but I felt I couldn’t pass up an invite to a drive-in, because that seems like a pretty rad thing to do with someone you’ve never met before, and I’d never been to a drive-in.  I mean, how 60’s of us.  And I figured the friend would be a good buffer.  So I agreed.

I come home from work, and start getting ready.  My roommate T asks me what I’m doing.

“Going to a drive-in with some guy, his friend and another girl.”

“What drive-in are you going to?”

“I don’t know.”

“What movie are you seeing?”

“I don’t know.”

“What does the guy do?”

“No idea.”

“Did his friend meet his date on Tinder?”

“I don’t know.”

“Court, do you know anything??”

“No.  Well… his name is Toby…  I’m going to get murdered, aren’t I?”

“Drive-in” is definitely code for murder.  Crap.  I should have thought this over a little more.  Toby is prompt and rings the doorbell at 7pm to pick me up.  I told him beforehand I had a watch dog… Just in case he was thinking of doing anything creepy.  I made sure T and V got a good look at him before we headed out the door.

He was a gentleman and walked around the car to open the door for me.  Wowwwwyyyy.  I probably made an awkward comment.  Yeah, I definitely did.  Guys don’t usually do that.  The drive-in was really far away.  Like really far.  Like I’m pretty sure if we had driven another half a mile, we would have been in Mexico.  This gave us a lot of time to talk.  Although in the first few minutes of conversation I found out he had never drunk an alcoholic beverage before in his life.  Wait, what?  Most of my weekends (and, ok… some week days) are spent at the bars with friends, or at events that revolve around drinking alcoholic beverages.  Is it wrong that I was ready for him to turn the car around at that point and bring me home?

That wasn’t an option.  As I learned more about Toby, I came to realize he is pretty much the most interesting human being I’ve ever met.  First of all, his job is literally chasing swells around the world.  Literally.  If there’s a big swell somewhere, he has a guy who calls him, tells him what plane to get on, meets him in whatever country it is, and then drives him to the wave.  When I say “drives him to the wave,” I mean he drives him to the wave even if there are no roads that lead there.   He holds a world record in surfing the biggest recorded wave paddled out t0, and his time out of the water requires a novel all in its own.  He told stories about hunting down rapists in Africa, and his journalism in foreign war zones… stories that I may had questioned if I didn’t see photos and videos on his iPhone.  Like, basically… I want his life.

He was pretty good-looking but also totally dorky and awkward.  I enjoyed his company and conversation, but I most definitely didn’t want his hand on my back while we were lying in his Prius with the back seats folded down and the hatch up, watching the first movie.  But that’s where he put his hand.  I also didn’t want him to pull my head in to try to kiss me, out of no where.  Which he also did.

I’m not sure why you think that you can hang out with me for an hour, not give me any alcohol, and then I’ll want to kiss you?  No.  No no no no no no no no.  I pulled my head away so hard I think I got whiplash.  When he asked what was wrong, I exclaimed, “I’m not making out with you!”

I felt like I was in 8th grade.  Like what 36-year-old thinks this is a normal situation?  Being in the back of a car at a DRIVE-IN MOVIE with someone you’ve NEVER MET BEFORE… I sure as hell don’t want to make out with you right now!  I’m still trying to justify agreeing to this idea in the first place.

His friend finally showed up… with a date who I learned, he had only met once… but they parked a few cars down from us so basically it was only introductions.  I legitimately felt like I was in high school and the two guys were having a contest to see who could make-out first…  Although when I suggested that’s what was happening,  Toby acted like that was a preposterous idea.  If there was any sort of bet, he most certainly lost.

At one point he was trying to read my palm.  I figured he was going to say something really cheesy.  He kept looking at it.

I said, “I know you’re going to say something really dorky.”

“No.”

He looked at it, while tracing the lines with his finger… for so long that I legitimately started getting scared.  My brain went into overtime, and I convinced myself that he was going to tell me he sees a murder in my very near future, and then he was going to stab me with something he had hidden under the blankets and dump me in the back of this big field behind the dumpsters… or even better yet, just throw me over the border into Mexico and be done with me.

At that point, I pulled my hand away and he finally said, “It says you’re beautiful!”

OMGGGGGGGGG get me outta here.

I was sooo tired, which I was sure to mention multiple times.  It wasn’t that I didn’t like talking to him;  it was just a weird situation.  I wasn’t sure if I should be watching the movie or continuing conversation.  We were in the back of a Prius in a random field far from home, and there was no wine… or beer.  Just so many things wrong with this picture.  I didn’t even know his last name.   I wanted to go home.

On our loonnnggg ride home we talked a lot more.  Apparently his aggressive make-out advances work “90% of the time”  (I asked).  But the whole drive-in was a first for him as well.  He got to my house and turned the car off.  I wasn’t understanding why he was turning the car off, so I obviously was super awkward and said, “Oh, why are you getting out of the car?”

In reality, he was just getting out of the car to be a gentleman.  After I questioned his turning off the car, he offered a hug while he was still inside the car if I would prefer that, but I let him get out.   I still didn’t understand why he had to turn the car OFF to give me a hug.   Then he asked if I’d like to go out again… Like, what am I supposed to say?

“No?”  Or…. “You tried to stick your tongue down my throat at the drive-in?”  So I said yes.  Obviously.

Here’s the thing.  I want to hang out with him more because he’s super cool.  And I want him to invite me to Darfur.  But I don’t want him to stick his tongue in my mouth.  So I guess next time I talk to him, I’ll just tell him that.  That’s fine, right?

I think it’s Wednesday now… So Happy Hump Day.  With lots of love from me and my empty bag of Flamin’ Hots.  Which I have officially quit.  Cheetos, we are so done.

xoxo

Gossip Girl.