I decided to start a diet and exercise blog. I will entitle it, “The Best Way to Start Fad Diets and Exercise Programs and the Quickest Way to Quit Them Without Lasting Results.” I will constantly post updates to The Facebook and The Instagram of what I eat, how I eat it, and what I look like in the mirror before and after I have explosive diarrhea. Then I’ll document just how long I stick to an exercise regimen before foregoing it regularly for happy hour and trash TV watching.
I feel like I’ve exhausted my audience when it comes to documenting my “cleanses” and just how much they fail me each time, how I poop and fart in public, on dates with random men, and how I cry when I only lose three pounds at the end of a grueling week of eating straight tuna and chicken broth.
Let me preface this entry by saying, if even ONE of you diet and exercise salespeople on my newsfeed tries to contact me after reading this and pitch just how wonderful and different, and LIFE CHANGING your Advocare, Beach Body, Isogenix, or Body Wrap program is, I will send you something really mean like a lot of glitter and confetti in the mail and promptly block you, even if I happen to not mind you so much as a person.
So I went back at it again. A couple of friends come over one night to watch hockey, and start talking about the three-day juice cleanse they just finished. Steph, who weighs as much as my right arm did it, and lost seven pounds, and B.Coll lost 13. They both said it was the most awful thing they ever did… B.Coll being a little more dramatic about it than his better half. But hmmmm…. three days of just drinking fresh cold-pressed juices and that much weight loss as a result? And if this skinny bitch could lose seven pounds, my out-of-shape fatass is bound to lose like 15…. right??
Ginge was heading to a bachelor party the following weekend which prompted him to immediately order the cleanse. Whyyyyy…… do you ask does he need to cleanse for a bachelor party??? “There’s going to be a pool! I’m going to have to take my shirt off… Nobody wants to be the fat friend!” OMG…I’m dating a girl.
My roommate Karli also ordered it. I was traveling to Hawaii for the next few days for work, so I couldn’t join the cleanse team. Their three days ended, and Ginge, of course, lost 12 pounds, and Karli lost seven. All four of them reported feeling great, cleansed, energetic at the end, and not craving anything unhealthy. Ok, now that’s four success stories…. gotta do it.
I decided to cleanse from Monday through Wednesday. Of course, everyone goes out for wing and beer night the Monday of my first day, so I go and sip water and watch wings get devoured by the dozen… drooling and wanting to punch people in the face. I leave early. That.was.torture.
The next night is softball. What is softball without beers? I’ll tell ya what… its a big fat L on the books. Night two with no food. I’m not going to lie… I was hungry. I wasn’t hungry all the time, but I wasn’t NOT hungry all the time. Driving around all day looking at restaurant after restaurant, and each time I stopped for gas, immediately thinking what snack I was going to buy inside, I realized that even if I wasn’t PHYSICALLY hungry, eating is such a HABIT. The juices really weren’t bad. They are from a place called Juice Crafters. They boast that with their special cold-pressed juicer, they are able to extract 3-6 times more nutrients than most normal juicers. Whatever.
By day three I still hadn’t pooped much, I didn’t have that “mental clarity” or “feeling of lightness,” or “elevated mood” everyone speaks of. I literally felt like I was turning into juice. This is going to sound like I’m making it up, but how would one even think to make this up…. I was surrounded by fruit flies. Ok. I know that sounds weird and gross, but it’s true. Hanging out on the couch, fruit fly circling my head. Sitting on the toilet, fruit fly sitting on my leg. WTF?! I must be emitting fruit smells. This is flippin’ disgusting. I am literally turning into fruit juice.
By the end of night three I had dreamed of eating food every single night, followed by a feeling of guilt, and I went to bed just hoping for a miraculous number on the scale when I awoke.
I awoke, wondering if I actual had eaten those huge loaves of bread I took bites of in my fantasies. I hadn’t. Thank goodness. I stepped on the scale. THREE POINT FIVE POUNDS. Mother F**SFDLJKJ***CKER. I knew this was going to happen. I HADN’T EATEN A DROP OF FOOD IN THREE DAYS, CONSUMED 20 POUNDS OF FRUITS AND VEGETABLES IN LIQUID FORM and I had lost a measly 3.5 pounds. I really wasn’t surprised. But I also wasn’t done.
This can’t be right. Maybe my body just takes longer to catch on than most. I went to Juice Crafters, paid another extraordinary amount of money, and collected eight more bottles of juice to take me through one more day. I decided I would also eat a few real veggies that day to ease my way back into real life, and I’d drink some all-natural poopy tea.
Day.Four.Was.Awesome. My pipes cleaned themselves out. “Pipes…” yes… I’m in the medical field. I drank the juices til about 4pm when I ate tomato and cucumber salad (HALLELUJAH- CHEWING!) and then finished the day with more juice and aloe water. I felt like I was on a high. I know this sounds so cheesy but I was in a better mood than I have been in months, and felt like I could run a marathon… and I hadn’t eaten real food in four days. I was sooo glad I decided to stick it out another day. I guess all bodies are not the same. I beat Ginge at darts three games in a row (sorry, bud), and actually felt compelled to start cleaning my house and doing laundry. WHAT IS GOING ON!??
I woke up this morning, and stepped on the scale once more, to discover that extra day did its duty. I was down a total of six pounds. Now, I know, that’s nothing compared to some others, but six pounds to me feels a lot better than 3.5. I wasn’t even hungry this morning. I still felt great and started out my day with another juice, then added in some more veggie salad and fruits til I ate real cooked chicken and beans for lunch.
Now I think I should name my new blog, “HOW TO LOSE 6 POUNDS IN FOUR DAYS AND FEEL LIKE YOU CAN RULE THE WORLD!”
I’m just kidding. This is obviously just another one of my fads, but I think I’ll do it again in the future and follow it up with some fad exercise. I’m zoning in now on Orange Theory. I hear it’s a cool trendy new gym where you get super hot and skinny and tan and pretty and smart and loveable and…. yeah…. well I’ll try it out for a week or so.
In any case, I hope all you muffins have a wonderful weekend. I’m about to go eat and drink my cleanse away… obviously.
xoxo
Gossip Girl
breathe in, laugh out 