The year was 2008. Maybe. Something like that. I was living in an apartment in Hoboken, NJ with two of my girlfriends at the time. I was single, ready to mingle, and living it up the in the young, fun NYC ‘burb. I don’t remember exactly where I met him, some bar, but I remember we went out several times. He was a little bit younger, and a little bit of a ginger (yes, I’m noticing this trend), and seemed super sweet. I guess I liked him enough to see him a few times. I didn’t really understand what his job was at the time, but I remember him inviting me out to a local bar for a function to support this website he was working on. I didn’t really understand the website. It was something about watching sports at bars. I didn’t care about it, or give it much thought. I didn’t go to the event.
One day we were hanging out at my apartment, having a conversation, and some of, (let’s call him Devin), Devin’s stories just weren’t adding up. He had originally told me he was staying with a friend or something like that while he was in between apartments. His new apartment “wasn’t ready yet?” Some sort of complicated situation I don’t remember completely, and had no desire to keep up with. During this particular conversation, however, I caught him in some sort of confusing tale in which he finally had to reveal to me that he had been lying to me since we met, and he actually still lived with his parents in Northern Jersey. He just visited Hoboken, and stayed on his friend’s couch while he was there.
I was pissed. I wasn’t necessarily pissed that he lived with his parents (ehhh), but I was pissed that I was going to have to stop talking to him. He was pretty cute and nice and seemed somewhat normal, and I was having a good time with him. But I don’t do lying. Hard no. If during the first several weeks of knowing each other, you’re basing multiple conversations around a fact that is not true (an alternative fact, if you will), what the hell else are you lying about? I couldn’t. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. He was super apologetic and tried to explain his reasoning behind lying (obviously I get it; I know why you were lying, dumbass). But it was over. I’m pretty sure we didn’t speak again, besides maybe a couple of Facebook invites to attend events in which you watch sports at bars? For this website he worked on?
Flash forward, the year is 2017. I’m sitting on the couch with Ginge, he’s getting ready to play something he had DVR’ed on Comedy Central. He’s been waiting for this. The three main guys from his absolute favorite website are going to be on National TV. He spends the majority of his free time on this website, while simultaneously listening to their podcasts. The show comes on and the host introductions start. I look up from playing Scattergories on my phone and am surprised.
“Hey, wait, I dated that guy.”
Ginge whips his head around and stares at me. He then pauses the TV. “You dated ‘DFC?'”
“Is that what we call him? Yeah, briefly. Then I found out he was lying to me and he was living with his parents so I never talked to him again.”
“Well he’s rich now.”
“DAMMIT!”
That weird website he had been working on where you watch sports at a bar? Or something like that? Yeah, that was Barstool Sports. And he’s one of the three main guys. How did I never come across this fact in the last nine years? I really have no clue. *#$(@&@#^($*&@#
I swear I’m Good Luck Chuck. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. Date me, as brief as it may be, and you’ll eventually marry a model, become rich, or do both. You’re welcome, Devin, you’re welcome. Yes, I’m giving myself some of the credit for your success. I’m glad that little project turned out well for you. Truly. Cheers to Barstool Sports.
xoxo
Gossip Girl
breathe in, laugh out 