A brief overview of my past few months:
Week 6: Why do I feel hungover all the time?
Mindset: So-far pregnancy is easy; I’ve got this.
Week 7: Why do I feel drunk AND hungover at the same time?
Mindset: Pregnancy is still easy; I’ve got this.
Week 8: I don’t remember putting my work laptop back in my suitcase after I went through security at the airport. I call the airport to see if they’ve found it. They haven’t. I call my company’s HR department and IT department and tell them I’ve lost my laptop. I then check my suitcase. My laptop is where I usually keep it. My brain… why has it stopped working?
Mindset: Pregnancy is still easy; I’ve got this.
Week 9: I back into a tree with a rental car. The tree was not hidden. I just forget the step of the driving process when you are supposed to check to see what’s behind you before you gas the car into reverse. My sister is drunk. She tells me she should drive instead. I obviously don’t let her, but the results probably would have been similar.
Mindset: Pregnancy is still easy; I’ve got this.
Week 10: I ask Ginge why he’s getting Ollie a different type of dog food. He tells me it’s because I’ve told him to get a different type of dog food. I don’t remember this conversation. He’s frightened.
Mindset: Pregnancy is still easy; I’ve got this.
Week 11: I’m puking in the bushes outside of busy medical complexes at work, and falling asleep in my car in parking lots. I’m faking drinking at multiple events and struggling to stay up past 9pm.
Mindset: Pregnancy is still easy; I’ve got this.
Week 24: I realize I can’t reach my feet properly anymore to put my socks on. This bump has begun to impede my daily activity.
Mindset: Pregnancy is still easy; I’ve got this.
Weeks 25-33- Bump continues to grow… Puking on airplanes takes place occasionally still. People ask if I’m due TOMORROW. The answer is no. Why do people think this is an appropriate question? I’m not due tomorrow, or anywhere even close to tomorrow. I cannot help the size of this thing. This is not my fault. Well maybe the pancakes and ice cream sandwiches are my fault. Maybe all the Taco Bell is my fault. But like, this baby is large. 90th percentile to be exact. How am I going to keep growing for another *many* amount of weeks? I’m not sure, but I can handle this.
Mindset: Pregnancy is still easy; I’ve got this.
Week 34: I’m very large, and it’s very hard to roll out of bed. It’s difficult to walk without my bladder feeling like it is going to drop from my body. Why do I have to pee even right after I’ve just peed? Is this normal? My back hurts. My groin muscles feel sore but loose, like my legs might detach from my hips. Is this normal?
This baby better stay in there ’til May 1st when my new, fancy health insurance kicks in! Stay in there, Tacos!!!
Mindset: Pregnancy is still easy; I’ve got this.
Week 35: Who the F cares about the new insurance?? I’ll use the old insurance. I will pay one million dollars extra to deliver this baby right this second. ARE YOU DONE IN THERE YET???? COME OUT OF THERE NOW, TACOS!
Mindset: Fuck this shit, fuck everybody, ;alk;djafoijad;lksfja;lkaskljf*P(&jkhasf7a;lsfj;la That’s enough. I’m done.
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I walked in the door from work yesterday, another long day on the road after I had been traveling out of state for a couple of days and Ginge greeted me at the door. All I could say was, “I’m done being pregnant now.”
He said, “Go to bed.”
I did. I went to bed and cuddled with my big large pregnancy pillow and took the best nap of my life. It was still daylight. I began the nap feeling guilty, and like I wouldn’t be able to sleep later if I took this nap, and then I realized I didn’t care. To be comfortable and sleeping has become more of a luxury over the past week, and I will take it whenever I can get it. It was so good. Then I woke up and we ate Thai Drunken Noodles and watched TV and I felt like a new woman.
This morning I slept as late as I wanted, ate scrambled eggs, bacon, and a Belgian Waffle with whipped cream and strawberries BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT, OK?!? and then sat my ass on the couch to watch The Masters with Ollie and Gingey, and I feel calm. I can hold him in there for another few weeks, and we will get through this. Just don’t make me go on another airplane. Airplanes.are.torture.
Man, I’m pretty sure I’ll fit in enough complaining in these last few weeks to make up for the complaining I didn’t do for so many months. I apologize in advance to anyone who has to listen to it, and to anyone who has to walk alongside of me as I shuffle at a snail’s pace to ensure my bladder does not, in fact, exit my body while I walk.
But Tacos, if you wanna come out early, EVEN if it’s before May 1st, it’s okay. We’ll be ready for ya.
xoxo Gossip Girl
breathe in, laugh out 